I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
