I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
