If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
two words...techno handjob
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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