So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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