yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
