My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
