fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
