hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
