barbara walters just said penis...
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
