the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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