1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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