my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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