I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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