Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
