Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
