I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
