woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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