I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
