No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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