I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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