i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
