She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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