I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize