oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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