I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
