Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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