How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
