Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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