just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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