If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
