Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
