I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
