don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
whose parrot is this?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better