just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need to sanitize my soul.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.