How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.