I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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