i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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