Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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