I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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