Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?