pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
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I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
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Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.