I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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