I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
