Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
