some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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