There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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