Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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