I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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