If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
