she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
