Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Randomize
