So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
