Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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