did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
