my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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