You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
