Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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