take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We named our party play list daddy issues
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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