so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
