It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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