go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
