Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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